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Did I Change?

By Doris Deits

So there I was, watching the election result updates roll across the bottom of the TV screen when I realized that I absolutely did not care one way or another who would win the recall. This sensation was strange because the recall election was something I cared about. At least I thought I cared about it or had cared at one point, so what happened to me? I was confused.

Looking back at the time of the protests at the Capitol, I remember feeling very passionate about wanting the leadership and governments all over the world to care about all of its people, not just this group or that group. I felt compelled to express feelings that seemed to pour out of my heart. I had all this emotion before and now nothing – I felt numb. Did I change… did my feelings change… where was I when all this change occurred…what does this really mean… were questions I pondered to myself.

I’m still not sure what happened or is happening to me, but I am able to recognize a few things. I do still care about people and I believe government must work towards the betterment of all people. My opinions didn’t change. The biggest difference I notice is that I don’t seem to feel personally victimized by the injustice. These are things I care about and are important to me but I don’t feel agitation or the need to throttle someone. Weird. There aren’t any emotional influences driving me, which is what I may have misunderstood as ‘caring.’

Strong emotions mean (or used to mean) that I care about something. Now my experience is telling me something different. Strong caring without strong emotions is something new and mysterious to me. I still seem to have all my emotions and feelings, they just aren’t jumping up and down so much. There’s a calmness that wasn’t there before. The intensity of my emotional nature has flat-lined for some reason.

I’m not sure how I fit into this new space of being numb or perhaps indifferent is a better word. It doesn’t feel bad or good; I just feel like I’m in ‘neutral’ most of the time. I look back at my life and realize that I have used my emotions to make, drive or influence all of my decisions. Will it be easier or harder to make decisions without relying on emotion or ‘gut’ feelings? I guess only time will tell.

I wonder if other people are having a similar experience and whether this is an effect of the Aquarian energies that are impacting humanity’s consciousness. Most of what I’ve read discusses humanity moving into the heart, the awakening of the heart chakra (energy center). Could this new feeling of indifference or neutrality be a true heartfelt sensation? I was expecting over-whelming feelings of love and compassion – not indifference. What a surprise!

Can I embrace this new experience and allow it to teach me something beyond what I already know or believe is the challenge I face. So much of what I believed about myself, my life, and other people is based on feelings. Many of those feelings are not the good kind and I actually wouldn’t mind trading my feelings of fear, hurt, anger, or embarrassment for ‘indifferent’. Indifferent is better than ‘stressed out’. If I feel indifferent to other people’s opinion of me, maybe I could free myself from the ‘people pleaser disease!’

If I can see the positive side of learning to relate to everything from a ‘neutral’ emotional state, it just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I guess only time will tell.

 

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